Hello, 2012

Are you truly living or merely existing?

Almost a year ago, I gave myself a challenge to find my answer to that question. And a challenge to write more than once for the year.

I guess the latter was a bit harder to accomplish – what with all the juggling a striving young professional has to deal with these days. Then again, I might just be full of excuses. Writing requires time and discipline. And I shamelessly lack both. Wink, wink. Anyway, my ramblings on the creative process of writing belong to a different post, which has been sitting idly on my laptop for quite some time. I will go back to that soon. But for now, the challenge I set for myself is begging for an answer.

What does it take to live? What does it take to exist? To exist is to eat, to breathe, to clothe oneself, and to do everything that enables one to physically survive. To live, however, is to go beyond this mere existence.

To live is to love, to pursue your greatest passions, to read a book, to write, to laugh out loud, to travel and see the marvels of the world, to learn new things, to take risks, to conquer fears, to experience the full spectrum of human emotions, and the list goes on.

I have to admit, existing is so much easier than living. But what kind of life would that be? I only have one shot at this life, and I don’t even know how long I’ll live, so I gotta KICK.ASS.AT.THIS!

2012 brings another 366 days of as yet unknown struggles, joys, challenges, and rewards. But even before all those come around, the beginning of the year gives us a chance to define for ourselves the kind of life we truly want to live. For me, right now, that’s all that matters.

So 2012, bring it on. Happy New Year, everyone. La vita e bella.

Are you truly living or merely existing?

The words just leapt off the page of the book that I was reading and landed smack on my head. My brain stopped right there. It’s a simple question, supposedly, yet it left me grasping at straws. There’s nothing complicated about how it’s stated, but the answer would tell you how much or how little you know about life and living.

I will not make any attempt to answer that question right now. In my head, I have vague scribbles that could pass for answers but I figured I have a year ahead of me to test, de-bunk, and re-formulate my theories. For the past 2 years, I always start (and end – yeah, somehow, I never get past the first post) the year with a melodramatic post of new chances, new beginnings, and new employers. So this year, I’m going to start it with a challenge to find my own answer to that question. And yes, to write more than once for the year. It’s on for the next 365 days. Yeah, baby!

2010 has got to be one of the craziest calendar years ever. It was the year of the unexpected, the year of surprises, the year of my heart’s highs and lows, and so many more labels I can call it by. But in the end, I am still grateful for all the blessings and struggles I’ve had to deal with in the past year. I’m thankful for the new people I met and made friends with and for every challenge that made me discover a lot more about myself. Above all, I am even more grateful for the gift called family. My family, whose love, patience, and understanding are probably one of the constant things in this ever-changing world.

2011, I’m ready for you. Are you ready for me?

Just Around the River Bend

It’s been almost 3 years since I stepped out of the hallowed halls of the university. I’m on the “third leg” of my career path, averaging 9.33 months per employer – with each from totally different and seemingly unrelated industries. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. But then I look around and I see others in a pretty much similar situation. So I think I’m still normal, save for a few loose bolts and screws hanging around there somewhere.

It’s probably the idealism wearing off, or should I say crushed by the dead weight of reality. Whereas in my student years, I was but a mere spectator and a critique of the real world, now I am in it, struggling against losing what is now left of my so-called idealism. Boy, when reality looms large right in front of you staring at you in the eye, it is just so damn hard to keep a straight face.

They say it’s the natural order of things. I’ve heard countless of testimonies from people who once took the journey to Utopia and have fallen off course. That should have been enough to leave me utterly disillusioned. But as one wise colleague of mine pointed out, we should still carry idealism in our hearts, this time without the illusions. No pretensions, no trimmings, no frills. Our world is an imperfect one – and we’re all well aware of that. We just have to accept reality as it is. And should we have the opportunity to make it better for ourselves and for other people, the truly idealistic will grab every chance to make a difference.

My first three years in the corporate world have been nothing short of erratic but everything’s just a blur to me now. Either I’m temporarily suffering from a case of short-term memory loss or I was too wrapped up with the cares of this world. I’m glad to note though that I have stayed with my current company for more than a year now. Still, I’m far from being relaxed. People born in the year of the tiger like me are known to be restless and unpredictable. Well, it’s going to be another “let’s wait and see” year for me, like it has been for the past years. If anything but a consolation to the unforeseeable future, I’d like to take comfort in my favorite lines from the song Just Around the River Bend (Pocahontas) by Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz:

What I love most about rivers is, you can’t step in the same river twice.
The water’s always changing, always flowing.
But people, I guess, can’t live like that. We all must pay a price.
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing.
What’s around the river bend. Just around the river bend.
I look once more. Just around the river bend.
Beyond the shore. Somewhere past the sea.
Don’t know what for.
Why do all my dreams extend just around the river bend?

I was planning to round up the year that was but I thought it would be better to leave behind things that are better off in the past. In a nutshell, the previous year made me think and re-think about love, faith, career, and most especially friendship. Whatever those lessons are, it’s for me to dwell on and safe keep, at least for now. And while all my dreams extend just around the river bend, I’m gonna have to live in the now with tomorrow in mind, taking my chances and giving it my best shot.

The nth shot at life

A tiny flicker has been lit. It doesn’t matter now how many wrongs we’ve made for the past 365 days. A fresh start is right ahead of us. A new chance. A new hope. And the single most significant question of the time, almost a resounding battle cry, is: What can we do to make those wrongs right? 

I just love the New Year. For me, it does not stand as a mere occasion that I have to perfunctorily celebrate just because the whole world tells me to do so. Let’s just say I’ve come to appreciate New Years in a special, personal way… 

Not too long ago, I was failing one after another, even in what seemed like the simplest tasks. I was utterly dejected, forlorn, and lost and every inch of me slowly flowed down the drain. I almost envisioned myself walking in the hallmark of failures, like it was my destiny to be there. The only thing that gave me my last string of confidence was the New Year and the hope that it always brings. I know it sounds really cliché and unoriginal. But when you’re there spiraling towards the bottom pit of hopelessness, you have to hang on to every last piece that gives you strength. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t even be here right now. 

The New Year reminds me that no matter how bleak and desolate life seems to be at the moment, we will always find the light. It may take some time though. But with the right amount of patience and positive thinking, you will find it in the most surprising places. Up to this point of writing, the New Year has never failed me. I don’t mean to say of course, that I never committed any failures since then. I am still as imperfect as I was 5 or 10 years ago. But I’m learning my lessons well, one year at a time. And with every year that comes and goes, the New Year always throws back a challenge at me, tauntingly saying, “So, Imperfect One, what are you going to do right this time?” To which, I would just smile and say, “Just wait and see. You might be in for a big surprise.” 

Happy New Year everyone. Cheers to a full, promising year ahead!

22 and counting

Hi guys! You’re cordially invited to my advanced birthday celebration tomorrow at Lamesa Grill in SM Northwing, 7:00 PM. Please don’t spread the word. Limited seats only.

I’m now officially and irrevocably 22 years old. And unlike before when you really had to torture me before I would admit I’m older, this time I calmly handled with poise what others would consider as tragedy. As a matter of fact, I welcomed my birthday as soon as the clock struck twelve. I celebrated my birthday a day in advance. Instead of 08/09/08, I celebrated it on 08/08/08 – not that I’m superstitious. But it was the perfect day to celebrate, what with the UP Cebu Cookout rocking at the UP Cebu Grounds. The few chosen guests who were close friends, my brother, and his girlfriend and soon-to-be-wife were all available that day. And that was a Friday. What more could the birthday girl ask for?

I chose to celebrate my birthday through a nice dinner. Celebrating it on a beach with family and friends seemed impossible with the erratic schedules my call center friends follow, so dinner was the next best thing. I chose Lamesa Grill on impulse because I started “planning” 5 days before my actual birthday. But I knew I made the right decision when we checked out the place. I totally fell in love with it! The shell lamps that give a soft glimmer to the dark night were a beauty. The bamboo blinds and the wooden fixtures that adorned the place gave it a Filipino accent. I certainly didn’t mind having to trade the beach for a place such as that. It’s a pity I didn’t take more pictures of the place but I swear on my knees, everyone should try it out. The food is fantastic. The service is superb. The crew kept asking if we enjoyed the food and if we needed anything else. Actually, their customer relations skills were excellent, even short of them spoon feeding us. It’s a bit pricey but it is just lovely.

You be the judge if we committed gluttony that night. Our table was laden with pinatayong manok, pork belly, lad apahap kinulob (a kind of fish – don’t ask me further, we ordered it because Mark was recovering from skin allergy), sinigang na salmon head, mixed seafood ala gambas, seafood rice, leche flan, and buko macapuno rumble. But is this gluttony? We were just enjoying good food. I would have wanted to take pictures of all the stuff we ate that night but I didn’t want to look like a total nerd, going around the table and taking pictures of every dish served.

The crew of Lamesa Grill found out that it was my birthday celebration so they embarrassed – I mean, surprised me by singing a rather loud Happy Birthday song and gave me a cassava cake with a candle on top. Awww, that was really sweet. Joining me that night were Mark, Arrah, April, my brother Amiel, and his girlfriend Michelle. I have also invited Phrixel but due to last minute work delays, he wasn’t able to catch up. I honestly wanted to invite my blockmates Noreen, Krishna, Ivy, Delna, Yarry, and the others but my budget was not so accommodating. I owe you something guys. I’ll make up for it someday.

After dinner, we headed to UP Cebu to party. It was the annual UP Cebu Cookout but what made it extra special is that it was the Centennial Cookout. I enjoyed the performances and though there were areas that could be improved, it was all in all a great Cookout. At the UP Grounds, I fell in love with Refrain (everybody did, too – or all the girls did) and saw my old friends and schoolmates in UP. I spent most of the time talking, actually. And while I ignored the pasimple hints that I should give a treat, they were nice enough to greet me at 12m.n.

The main attraction of the event was the performance of Manila-based Slapshock. While they performed and everybody flocked near the stage, my friends and I kept talking while one even slept! Pasaway. And in the middle of their performance, the sleeping Jason Baguia woke up and told us he was going home. Okay, I thought that was enough for the day. It was 2AM and I myself could barely keep my eyes open. I decided to go home, too. I still have to work the next day.

Though tired and sleepy, I had to stay awake for one more ceremony before dozing off: opening my gifts. Much love and thank you to Mark and Arrah who surprised me with presents. Mark even tried to throw off suspicion by telling me through text that the traffic was almost impossible to deal with and that he had no time to pick up a present for me. But when he showed up at the restaurant, he was carrying this Blue Magic paper bag. Mark gave me a very cute pink teddy bear named Monina. It smelled nice too. I had to keep it in the closet because I’m pretty sure if it stays on my bed, the pink color would magically turn grey after quite some time. Arrah gave me an original cd of my latest obsession – Daughtry! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I loved it.

Presents or no presents, I loved every minute of my birthday celebration. Despite sleeping late, I am thankful I still woke up just in time the next day to prepare myself for work. My officemates never found out it was my birthday until I told them late afternoon. But that’s a different story.

Reunion and Retreat

Reunions
Call it perfect timing that two of my batch mates and dear friends came to Cebu for a visit within two months. One of them, Athea, left the country six years ago when her whole family migrated to Alaska. Raissa, on the other hand, moved to Iloilo while we were still in first year high school.

I don’t know how it is with other batches but ours is a closely-knit one. Blame it on the numbers and the years we spent fighting and caring for each other. We were probably 45 when we graduated. Roughly 90% received a Loyalty Award, which means we’ve been together since we were still peeing in our pants. To date, we occasionally meet to eat out, catch up with other batch mates who aren’t Cebu-based, drink from dusk ‘til dawn, sing to our hearts’ desire, talk nonstop excitedly, and simply relish each other’s company. And those are exactly what we did when Athea and Raissa dropped by.

To sum it all up, I had fun. Who wouldn’t? I guess this text message from, coincidentally a batch mate gives the exact reason why: Your college friends know who you are. But your high school friends know why.

Retreat
In less than a month, I’m turning 22. Like all my other birthdays in the past, I look forward to it with much anticipation, anxiety, sureness, and uncertainty. Unlike my last birthday however, I felt that I lived most if not all, my 21st year living it – taking life as it comes and never being too busy to miss a lunch date with a good friend or just laze around on a Sunday morning enjoying coffee. I’ve experienced being overly stressed out in the past that there wasn’t just time for me to steal for myself or for my family. Perhaps that was one of the main reasons why I felt like I’ve lived for so long in this world. And I don’t want that to happen. Life is too short to not live it the way it should be lived.

So, as I was saying, it’s going to be my birthday in a few weeks. I must have a little hangover from the hospital because I’m eager to make an escape during my special day. Right now, I’m dreaming of the beach or the mountains with food, music, and friends. But as much as I would like it to be the reality, I can only drool over it. Apparently, the hospital experience dug a hole into my resources. And unfortunately, my birthday falls on a work day. What else is there to say but, “Let’s wait and see.”

Slow down, you’re going too fast

For the second time in five years, I was admitted at a hospital in Cebu. The diagnosis: classical dengue fever. For once, I was relieved that the cause of my latest distress in life was a blood-sucking Aedes aegypti and not because I couldn’t keep myself from chomping down contaminated food. The first time I was ever admitted at the hospital was when I was a freshie in college. I was admitted due to typhoid fever. Then on the summer before my senior year, I got mild amoebiasis (and nearly got hospitalized). Geez, bacteria love me so much they find a way to invade my system through the food I eat.

Anyway, what’s more important is that I’m well now and back to work after six days of bed rest, fluids, and anti-inflammatory pills (for the rashes). Although I feel a little bad of having to leave work for a couple of days, I somehow felt that it was a welcome respite for me. I’m not glad that I got sick. But boy was I glad to have taken a break from work. Some of my friends who visited me at the hospital actually envied me and would gladly take my place at the hospital bed. But well, I wouldn’t give up my slot either. Except for the incessant poking of needles in my arm to draw blood samples, everything else made me feel like I’m on vacation. Kudos to the hospital and its staff! If only the hospital was tucked somewhere in the mountains or near the beach, it would have been the perfect escape.

On a more serious note, being confined at the hospital gave me a good time for contemplation and reflection. I couldn’t help it, you know. My bosses were really understanding enough not to pester me with work and would rather check whether I was fine. So I had all the time mostly to myself. And I wondered what could have I possibly done this time to be in this situation. The answer: none. I certainly didn’t want to be bitten by a dengue-carrying mosquito in the first place and I could have gotten it in a lot of possible places – the boarding house, the office, the mall… But among all the people in all those places, it chose to bite me. Why me, I asked. Perhaps, I needed a little jolt.

For me, it was a natural roadblock. Unexpected, sometimes unwanted but almost always desperately needed. You see, most of the time we want to take full control of our life – driving it at topmost speed and making the most out of the little time we are given. And that’s not bad. It’s just that sometimes, we get so caught up with our job and our everyday struggles that we tend to miss the very little but very important details in life that actually matter – family, friends, love, and even life itself. In other words, it is simply life’s way of saying, “Slow down, you’re going too fast.” Life must have, at first, tried to warn me about it but I didn’t listen or I was too busy to even hear what it was saying. So it deliberately stepped on the brakes so I would stop. Stop and breathe. Stop and savor every single moment. Stop. And start all over again.

So today, I am back at the wheel, coursing through uncharted paths. I make right turns and sometimes bump into the wrong ones. Sometimes, I drive back. Sometimes, I speed up. But I’m fervently hoping this time, I’ll know when I need to stop.